non-intelligent systems.

bhOndOO’s cousin Tingu who is undergoing a BTech in Computer Science comes to IISc on a weekend visit. bhOndOO takes him around campus on Saturday afternoon.

“This is the juice center.”.

“Oh! Quite reasonable prices. Let’s have Orange juice.”.

bhOndOO’s face portrays worry and he tries, “We will have it later.”.

“No, no. It is good to have juice after lunch.”.

“But I am full.”.

“But I want Orange juice.”.

“Okay. Actually, … I forgot to bring my wallet.”, bhOndOO.

Tingu looks at bhOndOO as if he is looking at a beggar.

“Alright. I will pay.”, Tingu offers and continues, “Two Orange juice.”.

After both of them finish the juice without speaking a word, Tingu pays the bill. bhOndOO feels embarrassed.

I should make sure I do not take him near tea-board and Prakruthi.

They start walking and to break the silence, bhOndOO starts, “Tingu, this is the new hostel complex that is coming up. Unlike most other buildings in campus, this is going to have seven stories and is probably going to be the tallest building in campus.”.

“Nice. When will it be ready?”.

“After a couple of years.”.

“Oh! So you will get a chance to stay in this!”.

bhOndOO feels it almost to be an insult and he replies firmly, “No, I will graduate before that.”.

Tingu looks compassionately at bhOndOO. A faint mocking smile appears on his face and he utters the three googly words that always form a dominant strategy in conversation, which can make any research student simply shut up, let alone bhOndOO. The words are “Are you sure?”.

They continue walking.

“This is a courier shop. The other side is bicycle shop.”.

Tingu looks at bhOndOO without any expressions. bhOndOO does not understand the meaning but gauges that something is coming — and it does, “Do you have better places to show in IISc?”.

bhOndOO keeps quite and he understands that his only hope is the Main Building.

bhOndOO takes him to the open area near J N Tata statue.

“This is the Main Building where administrative offices of big-shots are located. And this is Jamsetji Tata, the founder of IISc.”.

Tingu looks at the building, then at the statue, “Impressive.”.

A smile of satisfaction appears on bhOndOO’s face, but lasts only for a short while.

“This is a government institute, right?”.

“Yes.”.

“Then how come you don’t have the Indian Tricolor on the building?”.

bhOndOO appreciates the observation in mind, realizes that he should defend his institute and remembers some conversation on iiscstudents Yahoogroup to start, “Oh! That! That is a long story. According to the National Flag Code of India, the Tricolor can be erected only from the sunrise to the sunset on regular days.”, and bhOndOO looks at Tingu as if the explanation in his long story is over.

“So?”.

“So… a person has to do it everyday at sunrise and sunset.” and bhOndOO stops again.

“So?”.

“Can’t you see, it is going to be tough doing it everyday. Further, climbing there is risky.”.

“And therefore you have devised a mechanism of taking it down permanently?”.

“Not permanently, we do hoist the flag on the Republic Day and the Independence Day…”.

bhOndOO has to stop his sentence receiving a stern look from Tingu. The silence between them lasts for just over three seconds, which is finally broken by Tingu’s sarcastic remark.

“I am impressed.”.

bhOndOO is now worried. What impression of the institute I am giving to this young man! I should encourage him to join research and all my attempts are turning out to be futile. I must do something.

“Okay, Tingu. Let’s go to CSA department.”.

“CSA?”.

“Computer Science and Automation.”.

“Oh! Your department!”.

bhOndOO smiles and feels confident. CSA is a place where I can sure impress him.

“What is this Ashoka Marg?”, Tingu asked looking at the board in front of CSA.

“Oh! We have all Ashoka trees on this road. Hence this road is named that way.”.

“That’s marvellous. The road really looks royal with the presence of Ashoka trees on both sides of the road.”.

“Thanks.”, bhOndOO’s involuntary happy response.

“You planted all these trees?”.

“Why? No!”.

“Then why are you taking the credit?”.

bhOndOO gets a slap on the face. For lack of options, he enters the department. He knows that he is on a difficult mission with Tingu around and has lost several battles; but he wants to win the war.

“Good morning Vaidya Ji.”, bhOndOO greets the security guard at the CSA entrance.

“Good afternoon, Sir.”.

bhOndOO asks Tingu to make an entry into the visitors’ book.

“Why so much security?”, Tingu enquires as they start going towards Computing Lab.

“To secure some intelligent brains in the department.”.

bhOndOO manages to add humour to the situation and the three of them laugh.

“What are the rooms on that side?”.

“That is Theory Lab.”.

“What work is done in that lab?”.

In mind: They watch movies. Verbally: “Well, … they do theory work.”.

Tingu’s questioning face forces bhOndOO to elaborate, “Okay, let me explain. CSA has three main groups of research: Theory, Systems and Intelligent Systems. Theory covers areas like Algebra, Algorithms, Graph Theory, Verification. Systems covers Architecture, Compilers, Database Systems. Intelligent Systems covers Machine Learning, Data Mining and Game Theory.”.

“Which area do you work in?”.

“I work in Compilers.”, bhOndOO announces proudly.

“That means… you work in non-intelligent systems!”.

bhOndOO is clean-bowled. bhOndOO has never thought that his area of work would ever be classified as “non-intelligent” — almost allitering with the meaning of his name “non-intellectual“. For a couple of seconds, bhOndOO does not know what to say and they both keep staring at each other.

Tingu’s inference puts not only bhOndOO’s but the work of all the great researchers in the areas of Compilers, Architecture and Database Systems at stake. If bhOndOO does not respond, then he confirms that all of them are non-intelligent. But he cannot simply respond anything, Tingu is a young man with clear thoughts. If bhOndOO’s answer is unsatisfactory, Tingu is going to tear him down with more questions.

But we all know that bhOndOO is b-O-n-d. He thinks deep and replies, “Actually, you are right. I work in non-intelligent systems. Therefore, to get work done in this area, we researchers have to be doubly intelligent. In contrast, in case of intelligent systems, the systems are themselves so intelligent that even a dumb person can become a researcher there.”.

---

With due apologies to the appropriate researchers.

bicycle drive t-shirt.

Anaska’s comment on bhOndOO on a bicycle drive triggered this story.

---

It was 16:15. bhOndOO was restless. He just came to know via iisc.broadcast that the participants of the Bicycle Jatha would get t-shirts which would be distributed at the Students’ Council fifteen minutes later at 16:30.

Why didn’t I go for the Bicycle Jatha! The lizard had already disappeared. I could have reached late and would have been eligible for the t-shirt. Damn! I am a real bhOndOO!

Like a true researcher, bhOndOO started looking for solutions. I want the t-shirt, he declared to himself.

“bhOndOO?”, BenJi questioned.

“Ya?”.

“Coming to mess for snacks?”.

Psychology suggests that people often push themselves to failure if they know they do not have ability to succeed. For instance, a student who knows that he would not be able to clear a subject will stop studying for the subject. When he fails, he convinces himself that he failed because he did not study — whereas the reality is he would have failed despite studying.

bhOndOO knew he would not be able to solve the problem of t-shirt. Hence he found an escape: “Sure. Let’s go.”.

Both of them left the Computing Lab. While taking out their bicycles, BenJi remarked, “bhOndOO?”.

“Ya?”.

“We will wait for a minute at the Students’ Council office. I will collect my t-shirt for Bicycle Jatha and we will continue to the mess.”.

The thought bhOndOO had managed to avoid, came back and slapped him on the face.

“You participated in the Bicycle Jatha?”.

“Of course. That is why I am collecting the t-shirt.”.

“Hmm… Okay. Let’s go.”.

On his bicycle, BenJi was humming, “Hui shaam unka khayaal aa gaya…“. bhOndOO was silent — half worried, half depressed.

BenJi continued, “… Wohi gam jise hamne kis kis jatan se nikala tha is dil se door…“.

bhOndOO looked at BenJi in anger. But BenJi was in his full swing.

“… Wo chalkar kayamat ki chaal aa gaya…“.

bhOndOO was almost certain that BenJi was singing for him.

“BenJi!”.

“Hui shaam… Ya? What?”.

“Did they take a roll-call?”.

“Who?”.

“At Cycle Jatha?”.

“No. Why?”.

“I want a t-shirt.”.

“But you didn’t participate in …”.

“I want a t-shirt.”.

BenJi came into the correct mood, “You want to steal the t-shirt?”.

“This should not be called stealing. I will be doing that in front of their eyes.”.

“What if you get caught?”.

“Formula 103. Say sorry, plead, cry and escape.”.

“That sounds impressive. But I am not with you. I will first go and collect my t-shirt and wait outside. You can enter then. I don’t want to risk my hard-earned t-shirt.”.

“Okay.”.

Both of them approach Students’ Council office. They witness the office  surrounded by students.

Looks like there is some protest going on, bhOndOO.

“Oh! What is this for? I am not aware.”.

“In that case, we will not get our t-shirts today.”, bhOndOO said mockingly.

BenJi did not like the emphasized ‘our‘, “Let me check.”.

BenJi entered the crowd. Soon he came back with a placard containing IISc logo.

“Looks like BenJi is taking part in the protest.”.

“Your turn.”, BenJi came closer.

“I don’t want to take part in the protest.”.

“Oye! This is not protest. Students have gathered to collect their t-shirts. See mine.”.

“Oh! I thought it to be a placard containing some slogan. But this seems to be a CiSTUP t-shirt.”.

“Whatever. I got one t-shirt.”.

“How are they checking if you really took part in the Cycle Jatha?”.

“The Students’ Council General Secretary Guddu and me rode the bicycles together that day. So he knows I was there. He is distributing the t-shirts.”.

“I see.”.

“But if you want the t-shirt, you must hurry. Looking at the crowd, the limited stock of t-shirts may get over soon.”.

“Okay. You wait here. I will go in.”.

bhOndOO jumped down his bicycle, put it on stand, took a deep breathe and followed the battle-field.

bhOndOO was not a skilled warrior like BenJi and thus he did not know how to break the Chakravyuh. He kept getting pushed out by the mob. He also received a big blow on his face, but he could not figure out the source.

This is ridiculous. It almost looks like a ration queue for rice, bhOndOO expressed his disappointing opinion to himself.

Within ten minutes, the crowd dispersed — everyone happy to receive his t-shirt.

People are so greedy!, bhOndOO exclaimed to himself.

When bhOndOO’s turn came, there was only one t-shirt left.

“Large.”.

“Sorry, only one XL is remaining.”.

“No problem, I will manage.”.

Guddu handed over the t-shirt to bhOndOO. bhOndOO suppressed all his emotions to appear on the face and turned away.

“Excuse me?”, Guddu stopped him.

bhOndOO knew this would happen. When he received the blow in the crowd, he was certain that something wrong was kept in store. He recollected Formula 103: say sorry, plead, cry and escape, and turned back.

“May I know your name please?”.

“Oh! I am bhOndOO from CSA.”.

“Oh! You are bhOndOO!”.

What bhOndOO did not like was that Guddu looked at him from head to toes as if he was roaming in a zoo. A faint mocking smile appeared on Guddu’s face — probably recollecting some heard bhOndOO-stories. bhOndOO’s ego got hurt and he knew he had to apply Formula 500: take revenge.

Guddu noted down the name and put a full stop indicating a relief from the job done. bhOndOO knew by now that he was safe.

“But how do you make sure that the person who collects a t-shirt also participated in the Cycle Jatha?”. Only bhOndOO can ask such questions at such times.

“Trust.”, Guddu declared while putting his pen in his shirt’s pocket, “We trust people. We are Students’ Council. If we don’t show trust in students, then how can we expect it in return! Any democratic setup must have complete faith in people. It saves one of lot of unnecessary trouble. Trust is the backbone of a healthy democracy. Without trust we cannot progress.”.

“Good. Keep it up. It is due to the people like you that IISc will make a huge impact on the society.”.

Guddu smiled, “Nice meeting you, bhOndOO.”.

“Same here.”.

bhOndOO came out, smiling. BenJi was hiding himself behind a tree — almost ready to run. He was disappointingly surprised to see bhOndOO with the t-shirt without any bruises.

“Oh! How did you manage it.”.

“Trust!”.

“What do you mean?”.

“You won’t understand. Let’s go to the mess and enjoy the food — before the mess gets privatized.”.

when your lover gets married.

This is for JK, who wrote the following in his comment on symptoms of being in love a while ago.

I really want to know what are bhOndOO’s views on “When your Lover gets married”.

I again consulted bhOndOO and he came up with the following symptoms. I had expected a humorous response, but the symptoms have taken a mostly serious turn.

When your lover gets married,

• first you cry a lot, and then you start enjoying life.
• initially, you feel jealous of her spouse. Later, you feel compassionate.
• you feel like ending your life, some of us try it. Those who succeed at the attempt, leave others in sorrow; those who don’t, get good wives.
• she asks you to continue to be her friend, and you feel it to be an offer of demotion.
• when she gives you the marriage card, you almost feel like getting slapped.
• you manage to find several reasons for not attending her marriage. Strangely, nobody asks for them.
• when you meet her after the marriage, howsoever moody, comic, tragic, serious, mawali, heroic, charming, notorious you are, you behave like a perfect gentleman.
• when you meet her children, you are watchful whether the children call you Chacha (paternal uncle) or Mama (maternal uncle).
• when you see her name on your mobile display, your mind goes through a complete era before picking up the call.
• when you receive an email from her, you look for all the reasons for not replying.
• suddenly Dijkstra’s shortest path algorithm stops outputting a path that goes via her hostel/house.
• the frequency of your friends asking you to go for a movie/picnic/trek suddenly increases and that of you agreeing suddenly reduces.
• when you both are attending the same function, you make sure you are at the farthest point from where she is.
• you try several times to delete the folder of her emails and fail miserably every time. You succeed, when your marriage gets decided.
• you don’t want to get drunk in front of your wife, because you are unsure what you would speak.
• if your wife does not know her, you make all the attempts for them not to get introduced to each other.
• you start sympathizing with the movie actor, howsoever stupid he might be, who does not get the heroine in a love triangle.
• despite hard attempts, you cannot forget her mobile number.
• if you have to pay for her coffee, she does not make any attempt to pay you back.
• your favorite singer changes from Mohammad Rafi to Kishore Kumar or from Kishore Kumar to Mukesh.
• you try for an hour to compose a mail on her birthday and cannot decide whether to start with “Dear”. You end up not mailing her.
• despite what happens, you never hate her.